I've learned a lot lately.
For instance, just because something is intangible, doesn't make it any less real than something that is tangible.
I went through a bit of Post Partum Depression a few months ago, it was really difficult, but it was intangible. I've been tempted to say, "That was nothing, what was I complaining about?" when I think about it now. This week has been tangibly difficult.
But I have joy in spite of it. I've learned so much! And in just a few short days I've seen that new found wisdom make a difference in my life. I almost feel like a new person. I'm not hiding in a dark corner somewhere crying about how much it sucks to be an adult and how much I suck at adulting. I'm moving forward in spite of difficulty and obstacles. It's quite wonderful. :-)
It's just so sad that death had to occur for me to learn those things.
Monday of last week: I'll keep it short and to the point. I found out I was pregnant, but I knew that something was wrong. Deep down inside I knew what.
Wednesday AM: I visited my midwife and she confirmed my fears- I had miscarried. My baby died. I'm thankful that I was only 5-6 weeks along and that God gave me signs before visiting my midwife. From the moment I found that I was pregnant I had already been considering how I would respond to a miscarriage. I had two days to wonder and cry and commit it to God, so when it was confirmed I was very close to peace and only needed another day to come to it. But I wasn't there yet and Wednesday wasn't over.
Wednesday PM: We have a dog with a history of nervous/aggressive behavior and biting. Her age is a mystery, but the vet said she probably has cancer (she had big and growing lumps all over). They didn't do any test to confirm it because she was old enough that it would have been cruel to her to put her through treatments and prolong her life in pain. There have been days that she would limp around the house in pain or sleep all day and not wake up easily. Behavior wise, she has been doing really well since I got married (she adored my husband!) but in the last year she has regressed terribly. She bit me during a thunderstorm a few months ago, it was a bad bite, my thumb is still not fully healed from it. She has growled an snapped a the baby a few times (he loves her best) but only nipped him once and didn't leave even the slightest mark. Then a few weeks ago my husband was trying to give her medication for the fleas and worms that she had contracted and she bit him again. We talked to a lot of people- veterinarians, rescue shelters, rehoming specialist... everyone said the same thing...
So, with already hurting hearts from the loss of our baby, we took our pet to be sent to the rainbow bridge where she could make her way to the happy hunting grounds. As hard as it was, we know that she's not in pain anymore, she's not afraid anymore, and she'll never hurt anyone again. Knowing that doesn't make it feel better though. It doesn't make us forget her and all of the happy times we had with her. It doesn't make it easier when our other dog refuses to eat vegetables and we remember that she was the one that loved lettuce, when we're showering and the door doesn't get pushed open because she wants to be with us even when we're naked, or when we read that there's a thunderstorm coming and we don't need to prepare a hiding place for her... I still haven't picked up her toys that are lying around the house... I don't want to touch them.
I don't have anything to remember my baby by, but every time I see something that reminds me of my dog I think of them both. And I think it will always hurt. But my dog is no longer in pain and my baby never had to experience it at all.
Wednesday PM, Part II: When we got home from the animal clinic we were both a mess, I had cried off an on all day due to pregnancy hormones and a broken heart and even my husband was unable to hold back the tears when we signed in at the clinic. Our other dog moped around the house like he too was in pain.
And then an ambulance pulled up out front...
We have a friend and neighbor, GW, who we've been praying for and visiting with over the last few months. He has cancer and it's taking over. He's had many surgeries, but the doctors just can't seem to catch up with the spreading of the disease. When we saw the ambulance I sarcastically announced, "That had better not be for anybody that we know... or else." But we soon discovered that it was for our friend. A friend found him incoherent and called for the ambulance. They took him to the hospital and sedated him. The cancer had spread to his lungs and there wasn't much time left. He never even had a chance to try the home made bread that I made for him... I should have made it the day he requested it, even though I was busy... I should have lived like there was no tomorrow...
Thursday AM: I had the opportunity to meet with a girl friend for lunch but when I went out to out car I discovered that it had been broken into. The door was open and the lock was smashed in. Thankfully nothing was stolen. The hood was popped, so our theory is that someone tried to steel the car and when it wouldn't start (it has consistency problems) they just left it.
Thursday PM - Monday things seemed to be ok. We had time to mourn our losses and wind down from all the excitement. By the time Sunday morning rolled around we were even feeling joyful! We were able to spend some time outside enjoying the grass and sunshine and working on future plans and recovering.
Tuesday morning we woke up early and decided to head out to Panera Bread for breakfast, bagels and coffee. When we were ready to leave, however, we ran into more trouble. My husband pulled on the parking break to remove it and the cable snapped... You can't drive a manual truck with the parking break applied, it's just not a good idea at all. So we pulled out the owner's manual and figured out how to manually loose the parking break so that we could at least drive home (the auto store wouldn't have the correct part in stock until the following day). With the break loose we buckled up and... the engine wouldn't start... So my husband got out and pushed while I prepared to pop the clutch and start it. Thankfully a few strangers came over to help, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to get it going fast enough to pop start it. On the way home we discovered that when we released the parking break line we didn't detach the wires to the break warning... so all the way home, "DING DING DING DING!!!" It was pretty irritating... Later around 3pm the hot water got shut off. There was a hole in the pipes and they intended to have it repaired quickly, but they kept finding more holes. Unfortunately the way the apartment is piped we can't use the shower at all without the water pressure from the hot water present. In other words, we can't even take cold showers.
Wednesday AM (this morning): We learned that our friend had passed on to glory in the middle of the night. But my husband figured out how to repair the parking break and door lock on his own. But the water is still off...
I'm exhausted from writing/reliving all of that... now is the part where you go back up to the top of this post and reread that I really am at peace with everything... I'm just tired all of the sudden, haha...
And I'm never going to complain about having a hard week ever again!
