I guess that I'm bummed. Not quite sad, because I know that all things are in God's hands, so there are very few things that I am able to regret, but still, I can't help wondering what would have happened if I hadn't been so stupid so often.
I can't help wondering how much my actions affected specific people, even actions that were thought through but not thoroughly. I know that I hurt people, I treated them like phases or seasons instead of like individuals, but did I mess with more than just feelings? If I had known and not been so stubborn would we still be friends? If I had chosen the other side in a grey area would everyone be better off for it? Did I stunt the spiritual growth of a friend because I was a bad example when it mattered the very most? Did I split friends up because I didn't have the grace to understand how some people change? How I change? How life changes?
I know that I can't do anything about it now, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry that it took me so long to see that I don't value people as much as they're worth. I never even had the decency to thank you for all the time you put into my life. I say that pointedly and specifically to anyone who has ever felt that they got a cold shoulder from me and don't know that it was more than a shoulder, but my very heart.
I really am very truly sorry.
-Samia
(R.H.)
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