Week 5 day 5

So, I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday. (It is currently Thursday)

I hadn't been paying attention and wasn't sure when the last time I'd had my period was, so I took the test to remind myself to chill. I just needed to see the negative, ya know?
I set it on the counter and noticed a single line suddenly appear, nice and dark like it had just been waiting for its moment to shine. "Negative." I thought, "Oh well, that's what I needed to see." My husband and I have only been trying to have children for four months, but I had always pictured myself a mom years before now.
I got up, washed my hands, and splashed some water on my face. I had only just woken up and wasn't even dressed beyond my knickers yet.
A small, relentlessly hopeful part of me glanced back at the pregnancy test perched on the corner of the counter.
And I did a double take.
Panic seized me something like the fright of being pranked in a dark alley.
Two lines.
A nice vivid X in the window of the test, one vertical, and a slightly less robust one horizontal.
Positive.
I entered a state of lethargy. I don't think that I was even capable of translatable thoughts for a minute or two. I stood staring at the test, inching a little bit closer to be sure the lights weren't playing tricks on my eyes and then standing erect again in shock.
I put my hand to the doorknob and then put it down again. I looked at the test and then at the door and back again. "I should tell Josh!" I thought, when I could fully think again. "Oh wait, I was going to do something cute..." I had all these fun ideas of how to spring it I'm him. I'd gone pinterest crazy on a few occasions.
I think, when it came down to it, I just couldn't handle the thought of being pregnant on my own. Josh is my best friend, more than that, my husband and the reason for a positive pregnancy test. My mind couldn't handle the burden of the thought for one more moment without him.
I opened the door and stood there, mostly naked, looking over at him. He was seated on our bed, facing me, with his laptop in his lap, and doing a video call with one of his students (who happens to be a particularly good friend as well).
For quick clarification I have to note that the camera was facing away from me the entire time and the student was clueless as to the amount of clothing I had on (or lack thereof). I only included that information because it shows the partial hilarity of what was going on. Back to my story...
Josh hadn't noticed me standing awkwardly in the doorway yet, so I leaned over to check the test again. Yep, positive. In fact, I realized that the bright, bold, audacious line that I had attributed to be a negative was the one line that isn't normally there. It was the positive. It was so positive about its positivity that it had jumped the gun and shown its colors before the neutral line could even establish itself.
I stood up and looked at Josh again, getting more and more adrenaline rushed (and generally hormonal) as the seconds sped by. I repeatedly checked the test as I waited for an appropriate time to interrupt. But in the end sheer panic won over any attempt at sensible behavior. Knowing that if I picked up the test too early it could be ruined, I instead picked up the box it had come in and shook it, rattling the leftover contents and successfully getting my husband's attention.
He looked over with a very familiar look that says "I'm working. Are you ok?" and "Is it important enough to pause my call for?" all at one moment. I had no words and quickly realized that all I was communicating was that my box of prgnancy tests had no more pregnancy tests in it. He glanced at his computer screen and when he looked back I was vigorously nodding my head, my eyes begining to fill with tears.
"Wait," he said, his eyes getting wide and his mouth dropping open, "Are you kidding?" His voice was serious and I put my hand over my mouth to stifle a sob as I, again, quickly nodded. The tears were streaming down my face as I was reminded of how good God is, even when we fail to believe that He is.
Someday I hope that Google will allow us a copy of that video call. He didn't have it set to record, but Google records everything.
As soon as he realized I was serious he announced the news to his student. I put on appropriate clothing and cuddled up next to him as we chatted with his student and let the news sink in. After the test had time to set I showed it to him and took a picture for memories sake. I think I also needed to be able to look at the picture and remind myself that I wasn't making anything up.
The next two days passed with lots of excitement. We told a few people that had been praying for us and regularly asking us for updates on our family planning. I set up interviews with a few midwives and a tour at a birth clinic. We realized why I had been so exhausted that week and why one of our dogs (who has been mine since he was 8 weeks old) had been acting so clingy and protective lately.

I must be Dory's cousin... I have long term consistency issues...

I love ice cream.

And Nutella.

I'm also a pretty big fan of pizza.

And cookies.

And I don't mind cooking/baking at all.
Food. I kinda have a little thing for food.
Ok, a big thing, a rather disturbing obbsession thing...

But I don't like running, it's uncomfortable (to put it lightly). And I absolutely loathe washing dishes. Both of which are kind of big problems... The only jeans that I comfortably fit into are so worn out and torn up that it's really not all that modest for me to wear them in public anymore...

I don't mind yoga, I enjoy the simple, equipment-free exercises on Pinterest, I enjoy swimming (except for having to wash my hair afterwards), and I love to dance to any kind of music.

My problem is that I am the most inconsistent person in the whole world. And I don't completely mind it... I'm glad that I was homeschooled because I can't stand the monotony of classes. It's only exciting for the first two weeks and then I need something new, or a switch in the schedule, or a different teacher, or subject matter, or... something...

But when it comes to exercise, or washing dishes, you don't get good results from inconsistent efforts. The pants fit. But only for a couple days and then they don't again. The kitchen is spotless. But only until the next meal.

I really do want to be more consistent in things, but after a little while it feels like someone is forcing a plastic bag over my head. I would rather have teeth pulled than have to wash the dishes every day (I'm not even going to bother mentioning every meal). And, yes, I have had teeth pulled. Four of them. I am well acquainted with the process. I would still rather have teeth pulled.

I've thought that maybe if I took a dance class that it would force a certain amount of consistency on me, just because I'd actually have to go every week. But those things cost money and we're trying to save money. Besides, doesn't that defeat the whole purpose? I wouldn't actually be learning consistency, I'd merely be forcing myself into a mold of it, making myself just look like it... Or does it?

Not sure what the point of this post is, but hey, I posted :-)

I have to say that I am incredibly thankful for my husband, the "life coach", who has helped me to wade through the craziness of, well, me. I'm finding more and more, every day, my interests, faults, and hidden dreams and fears. Maybe before we head home tonight (we're at Starbucks) he'll help me wade through this too. Maybe I need a short term goal. I do short term pretty well, y'know, like two weeks or shorter ;-)

Samia 

I refuse to be a grown up yet!

I'm sitting on my couch with the balcony door pulled all the way open, listening to the rain in the trees, and munching on Oreos. Its 12:15 and my husband is still asleep. Based on where I found my iPad and the earbuds that were plugged into it, he had some trouble sleeping last night. It happens less for him than it does for me these days, but when he just can't sleep he watches a movie. I think it helped this time... I've been up for forty five minutes and making a bit of noise. He hasn't moved. I even took the dogs for a 20 minute walk. Usually if I get up and leave the bed before he's awake he then dreams something about me missing and then wakes up to find me gone. Didn't happen this time and I even left him a note.

For those of you who caught that, yes, I woke up at 11:30 this morning. Because I'm still a teenager. I require more sleep than my husband (he usually needs about 6-7 and I need more like 9), I have an obsession with junk food (the Oreos are breakfast), I really can't seem to get a good grip on this whole always having a clean house thing (even though I'm a full time housewife, I mean, how hard should it be?), I stay up away too late on a regular basis (I'm not the only one with that problem though), and yet somehow I still get sleepy at 9 pm...we built a fort last week. With sheets and clothes pins. We built it in the bedroom, over the bed, and then we left it up and slept in it (because somehow, as a kid I had never done that). 

Speaking of junk food... I figured something out. I've gained a, um, decent amount of *cough* weight since I've been married. I used to eat waaaay more junk food than I do now, so why have I gained weight? I also exercise more than I did then... It's because I have a husband who needs meals. I'm actually cooking and eating full meals, but then munching on my favorite foods in between. So I have a solution! I just need to stop eating real meals! Ha! I'm just kidding, I need to stop eating junk food... But real food isn't as tasty... Or maybe I need to cook my way through a cookbook and figure out which meals will fill my craving for junk food...

For now I'll just finish my Oreos... I think I'm gunna go splash in a few puddles.

:-D

-Samia

Relationships involve people. Individuals. Human souls.

I've been looking through some of my old blog posts and some unrelated memories are coming back that make me... I'm actually having trouble finding the words to describe what I'm feeling.

I guess that I'm bummed. Not quite sad, because I know that all things are in God's hands, so there are very few things that I am able to regret, but still, I can't help wondering what would have happened if I hadn't been so stupid so often.

I can't help wondering how much my actions affected specific people, even actions that were thought through but not thoroughly. I know that I hurt people, I treated them like phases or seasons instead of like individuals, but did I mess with more than just feelings? If I had known and not been so stubborn would we still be friends? If I had chosen the other side in a grey area would everyone be better off for it? Did I stunt the spiritual growth of a friend because I was a bad example when it mattered the very most? Did I split friends up because I didn't have the grace to understand how some people change? How I change? How life changes? 

I know that I can't do anything about it now, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry that it took me so long to see that I don't value people as much as they're worth. I never even had the decency to thank you for all the time you put into my life. I say that pointedly and specifically to anyone who has ever felt that they got a cold shoulder from me and don't know that it was more than a shoulder, but my very heart.

I really am very truly sorry.

-Samia

(R.H.)

Part 2... I'm not finished yet! :-P

This should be interesting. I think the last time I did a two parter I couldn't remember where I was going with what I was saying and I ended up just kind of rambling...

Overview of the last post:

-I have a history of seeing my femininity as a weakness and am secretly embarrassed by some simple expressions of it.

-I'm a pessimist. I've resigned myself to accepting and making the best of the lemons that life gives me, but I don't expect anything better than lemons.

But, there is error in my thinking.

I know that.

First of all- I don't remember where I was going with talking about my view of pink or how pessimism fits into a conversation about it...

Either way, I have been and am still learning to embrace the simple joys of being a girl- like drinking tea from a pretty teacup with Beatrix Potter's animal friends painted on the saucer, because it's cute and I can if I want to and it's not something to be embarrassed about. I call my husband to kill bugs in the house now. Can I do it? sure, but I still find it gross, so I let him be my shining knight. And maybe I even squeal a little bit. But I'm being myself.

I am a woman.

And I'm also a little girl.

And that's okay.

I've had to do a lot of thinking and, I'm not sure how accurate this phrase is but, soul searching to see those things and just let go and be me. In the process I've opened a whole can of worms...

Y'know how God sanctifies us by causing us to see our sin? One day you pray that He would make you more holy and the next day you're on your worst behavior and thinking, "What about my prayer?!" Until you realize that you're always like that but you had to see it in order to change it...

I'm having one of those moments.

Well, I dunno if you could call it a moment, it's taking a while to work through.

You see, my pessimism isn't the problem.

I believe that God is good and that He gives us the very best for us and for His glory.

I also believe that God is all powerful as He says in His word.

But I don't believe that dreams come true.

That last statement didn't come out of left field. I've been learning, that not all medicine tastes bad. Sometime what is best for us and for God's glory is having our dreams come true. I'm not being all that clear...

My pessimism is driven by a lack of faith. Though I believe all the things I stated above, I had failed to believe that God is perfect and powerful enough that He could possibly have designed history in a way that would allow room for His best for His glory and my pleasure to be one and the same thing. In my heart of hearts, I thought others were meant for receiving temporal joys. But not me, that was not my calling.

I believed that I was destined to have lemons. I believed that lemons where what I needed, that they were the best tool for me to glorify God with. I believed I would never get anything but lemons and I was okay with it. I want to glorify God. I want to grow in sanctification. So I didn't refuse the lemons but, often, gladly accepted them and used them as I could.

But I put God in a box.

The Bible is very clear that God cannot be contained, not by physical restraints, such as time and space, nor by mental capacity, such as the limit to what I can imagine. He is powerful enough to do anything and everything that He pleases. And it pleases Him to give gifts to His children.

I'm not saying that it is God's plan for me to live the life I dreamed of as a child. I'm not saying He will make me rich, famous, and happy if I only have enough faith.

But I'm not saying He can't.

My husband and I have a dream of owning a large home someday and having many children and making our home and family a rest and haven for those who need a break from life. We want to have a guest room that is never empty and when our guests leave we want them to be better from having come.

We made plans and wrote out ideas. We looked at roofing and fixtures and layouts and paint samples. We wandered through a tile store and looked up building companies in our area. We imagined what it would be like to live there and how daily activities would progress... Mind you we don't have any money, but it was all in anticipation for someday.

For him.

I viewed dreams a little less realistically. I was using my imagination, not my heart.

He believed someday we would own a home and have lots of children, if that was God's will.

I was playing "house" just the same as I had when I was a child.

Because the god in my mind wasn't amazing enough to do anything beyond what I believed. The god in my mind planned for me a life of hardship so that I could glorify him through my contentment.

But that is not the God who created me, redeemed me, sustains me, sanctifies me, and blesses me!

How wonderful that I am not God!

I see now the gaping hole in the fabric of my faith. Though I knew the truth I had not applied it to my world.

I have not turned on a dime. I don't know how to do that. I'm still not sure how to practically look forward to the future with full faith and yet not knowing what it holds.

Perhaps it will be lemons.

But it could be a dream come true.

Either way, my God knows what I need.

And He also knows what I desire.

I pray that I desire it to please Him and not just myself.

-Samia

They don't make 'me like Disney did...

I'm sipping linden tea from an actual tea cup. In a saucer. A pretty, delicate one with flowers painted on it. And I have pink in my closet. And y'know what? I like wearing it. It's a pretty color and it makes everyone look good. I'm serious, there is a shade of pink for everyone that makes them look fabulous.

Yes, I said fabulous.

I know, what happened?

Ok, so if you're fairly knew to my blog, or you don't know me personally very well, you're not sure what's going on. Let me explain...

I've always been a tough cookie. Life was tough on me. I have four brothers, no sisters, and we had an adventurous upbringing. I always hated pink. And though I was girly, part of me was almost ashamed to be. Any girlyness that had no reason besides my pleasure was, to me, so empty I was almost embarrassed about it. If I was trying to impress someone, or going to an event where appearance mattered it was excuse enough, but beyond that, well, you might as well ask me to wear pink.

When I was in college (I really have no right to say that, seeing as I never finished) I had the founder and president of our schools Home Ecomomics department look me in the eye and tell me that I didn't like pink because I'm feminist in my thinking and I see pink as a sign of weakness.

Ouch.

It hurt because she was right. I had never thought about it that way. Actually, I had never thought about it at all.

I'm a pessimist.

There, I said it. I've always considered myself an optimist, because things don't hurt me and people can't offend me... But I don't get hurt and offended because I'm a pessimist. I don't expect life to give me anything but lemons.

It takes a pretty callous heart to live that way and not even know it...

I'm out of time, but I have more to say so as much as my mind is screaming at me to wrap this up neater, I'm going to leave it here and say more next time.

I am actually going some where with all these random things...

-Samie

The first "official" plan-free blog post...

Nope, I have no plan, I'm just gonna talk.

:-)

I'm sitting in Starbucks, accross from my husband, sipping on a black caramel iced coffee. Or, is it not a black coffee, y'know, because there's caramel in it? No sugar or cream though... I dunno.

Anyway, our internet at home isn't working. It's pretty frustrating, well, for him anyway. He works from home and can't do his job and be on time for teleconferences if we have nonfunctional internet service. It's not nearly the first time that this has happened, the company actually gave us a month of free internet to make up for the fact that he spent over $40 on drinks at Starbucks, over a period of a month or so, in order to use their internet, when we were paying to have internet at home.

I think we need to invest in some Boise headphones.

He's cupping his hands over his ears in order to hear his ear buds. He does the same thing at home occasionally. Our neighbor is a drummer. Like, it's his job. So it's not like we can ask him not to make so much noise...

I've got some things on my mind, but I think I'll wait a little before blogging it. I think I may have had a prayer quite promptly answered with a yes. But I could be making an assumption, so we'll see. It isn't even anything very big, but it is something that I believe is in God's will for every Christian woman, so maybe the fact that I prayed for it makes Him happy.

But we'll see.

:-)

-Samie

Oh, by the way...

Somehow, over the many years that I've been blogging, I've managed to convince myself that if I don't have a long winded speech about one specific subject then it's not worth posting.

I know, that sounds silly, especially because, as we all know, I just end up not posting anything at all.

So, I'm going to try just blogging. No rules, no expectations, just me talking to the internet.

At this point my mind is running around screaming at me, "How do you expect me to pull that off!? I will never find something to write about in such short notice! Have you seen the mess of a brain that I have to work with?"

But that's the point, isn't it? I said what I came to say and I have nothing else to say today.

And this post is being published anyway :-)

-Samie

Let's record how many times we still spontaneously make out during the normal week day!

I've had an interesting day.

I'm a wife, by the way.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned that little tidbit...

I've been married for over a year to the most kind man in the world (sorry girls, Mr. Right is taken. And passionately in love!). When we were dating my Dad requested that I not go making it "Facebook official" or anything, so that explains a few interesting comments here and there in the past and lack of ecstatic, giggly, announcement. Actually I have a whole blog post that I never posted because I said too much. I bet I could publish it now...

So, as I write, my husband (!!! I have a HUSBAND!!!) is just drifting off to sleep with his head rested on my chest like a small child. Before he settled down for a nap he informed me that he feels like he's resting in a safe cloud when he is on my chest. "It's like you emit sunshine and happiness. Maybe that's why babies feel so safe with their Mamas." I'm pretty certain that it's a hormone, not actually sunshine and happiness, but I'm glad he feels that way about it.

*happy sigh*

We've recently moved to Texas (I know, I know, it's shameful! I finally have real happenings to write about and I don't mention anything) and in an effort to save money we purchased our furniture unfinished, because I can finish it myself. So this morning I was working on staining book shelves. We have a lot of books, so we have a lot of book shelves, so I am incredibly sick of staining. We have five units of five shelves each and I'm working on the last five shelves. I know, it's a lot of shelves.

Anyway, here in Texas we get quite a bit more rain than we did in California and with rain comes thunder and lightning (well, in Texas it does anyway). We have two dogs (golly, I really gotta keep up with this blog better, soooo much background information that should have been written before) and the one with the long gorgeous tail is deathly afraid of thunder. She hyperventilates and hides in any small space available. She's hidden in the fireplace, kitchen cabinets, tv cabinet (on top of the VCR), closets, cardboard boxes, under beds, in bedside tables... You name it... She is terrified out of her senses and unnaturally fast. She gets into trouble before you realize you heard a loud noise.

So... As I'm working on staining the top side of the last shelf "BOOM!" lightening strikes and the balcony deck rumbles with the sound. Before I knew what was happening she was trying to wiggle between two freshly stained shelves that I had propped up against the wall. I screeched and reached for her collar.

Too late.

She saw me coming and dodged, stepping aside...right...into...the...stain.

As my brain registered what I'd seen and relayed the message, "Doggie paintbrush!!!" she was already samba stepping her way off my make shift towel drop cloth and across the wooden deck, spreading her beautiful artwork around with her tail.

AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

This animal is one reason I'm convinced I would have been a terrible sister, had I had any sisters. I go from "You're so cute!" to "I'M GUNNA KILL YOU!" In about 0.75 seconds... But only with her... I haven't had that problem with boys or boy dogs... It will be interesting to see how I handle daughters, if we have any.

Back to the true story.

I had been Facetiming my husband when the lightening struck and at this point in the story I had hollered out what happened while trying to drag the dog back onto a towel and not let her touch the wet shelves. She finally sat still long enough for me to let go and pick up a towel, with which to spread the damage (in an attempt to clean it up).

"BOOM!"

And off she dashed again, desperately searching for some place to hide. I took off after her.

I think that's about when I finished digesting my breakfast cereal and the coffee suddenly found itself partying alone in my stomach and, with nothing more interesting to do, it tapped into my adrenal glands and had a field day... Not nice... Shocked, angry, caffeinated, and now shaking... Not good.

Is it wrong that this was my thought process?- the dog is not staying still because she's afraid of the thunder. If she's more afraid of me than she is of the thunder than she'll stay on the towel where I put her.

From where my husband was propped up against the wall, in view of the entire thing, I could hear him saying, "Baby, be nice. Samie? Be gentle. Baby, can you hear me? Baby!?"

In between trying to clean up the mess (on the deck and the dog), finish the half stained shelf (to avoid lines), assess the permanent damage, and dragging the dog back to the towel (repeatedly), I managed to accomplished my intention (she is definitely more afraid of me now).

*sigh*

I won't lie. I wanted to chuck her over the railing.

We live on the third floor, have I mentioned that?

No, didn't think so...

She's only 30lbs... It wouldn't have been that difficult...

I promise- I am not a typically angry person. It is actually unusually difficult to offend me at all, and even when I am I don't show it. I am not in the habit of angry rants or violent stampedes. Most people describe me as "sweet". I was once told that yelling at me is like, "brutally crushing a pretty flower." True story.

She is the exception.

I wish I new why. It would make living with her so much nicer. It would be more sunshiny and happy (if you get my reference).

*deep sigh*

I now have a black dog and brown speckled yellow dog. I wonder if it will wash out, or if I'll have to give her another haircut?

She is currently fenced into the entrance where she can't stain the carpet. She's not very happy. But the lightening went away, which is good!

Well, my husband has rolled off onto his pillow and is happily snoring away. I think it's time for me to go apologize to a little speckled dog and remind her that I do love her.

Most of the time.