So, I'm 21 now.

How's that for a conversation starter? Funny that I should mention it- tonight the sermon is going to be on Christians and alcohol. I'm pretty sure that I've already got my opinion formed though. I think I just need someone to back me up, that's all. You know, give me the gumption to say, "No." good and firm when somebody asked me to go to a club with them.

I am seriously not interested, but thank you kindly.

As I said the other night- I'm not the kind of girl that likes to have the kind of fun that you have to be "old enough" to have. Sure a glass of wine is nice, but when you pull out the shot glasses, or put on your short skirt and turn up the music, hm, I think I have homework to do.

Speaking of which, I start school the week after next. I'm actually a little excited about it. I'm taking some music classes and a math class. Yay for the music, meh for the math. But hey, I've successfully avoided all manner of organized educational math for the last few years, I think it's time to get it over with, right? And who knows, maybe it'll turn out that I don't hate math as much as all that after all.

Boy, wouldn't that be funny? I spend over half of my life running like mad from math and getting bad grades 'cuz I don't even like it enough to tolerate it and it turns out that I enjoy it. Wouldn't that just take the cake, huh?

Are we happy plastic people?

So if our trials make us stronger, why doesn't God dish them out more often? and how come I'm not stronger than I am?

If the more I'm in The Word the more I want it, then why do I ever put it down?

I know that feeling. When I've spent so much time in The Word that when I have to put it down for an hour I feel desperate to get back to it, I want it, I need it. How do I lose that?

The longer that I stay away, the less I want it and pretty soon it's a chore- but I don't want it to be! I want... I want to want it!

"I love the feeling of never wanting to leave and always wanting to return."

I don't know, maybe I'm too fixated on how it pleases me, rather than on how it pleases Him. I'm a sinner, there's nothing that I can do about that, but He redeemed me with His very blood so that I'd have the power to say yes to Him and no to myself... and yet here I am trying to do the right thing (and failing, by the way) for the wrong reason. Me is not a right reason.

Wow. I can read The Word for the wrong reason...

Depraved. That's the only word I've got.

And people actually think that the doctrine of total depravity is bologna.

It's most definitely not bologna.

Trust me, I know.

I suppose that doing the right thing when it's hard is another one of those trials meant to make us stronger then.

Maybe He dishes trials out more often than I know.

"Try and do the best you can

Hold on and let Him hold your hand

And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus

Oh, lift your head it's gonna end

God's right there

Even when you just can't reel Him

I promise you that He still cares

Cause if He started this work in your life

He will be faithful to complete it

If only you believe it

He knows how much it hurts

And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He know that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

In time it's gonna get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger"

-Mandisa, "Stronger"