My head is so full that I don't know where to start.
It's been one of those weeks.
I wish I'd had time to post sooner, while the thoughts were fresh in my mind, but even though I've had some time to "re-run" them through my head I know that it still won't come out quite like I was hoping it would.
Sometimes I stop and think about life; the choices I've made, the people I hang with, the places I've gone, the things I've said, and then I think about all the things that I haven't done, places I haven't gone and the things that I haven't said. It all comes down to fear.
I don't really trust God.
I mean, I do, in my head, but not in my life. He gives me choices, and in fear I decide one way, because I think that it's safer, that it's risk free, but in all reality what will be will be and I have no control over what happens.
I spend so much time agonizing over not being able to control certain things- but I can't control anything anyway!
We've been studying trusting God. If I really trusted God then I wouldn't refrain from potential pain. Because God is in control and God is good. Everything that He does is firstly for His glory and also (one and the same thing) for my good (possibly immediate but definitely ultimate). So if pain causes me to lean on Him and know Him more and love Him better, then I shouldn't avoid it.
But I'm afraid of pain. I don't want to hurt.
So I choose the path of least potential, right? But if I were to have stopped and thought about it- not only would pain have been the better choice, for me and for His glory, but He could have brought that pain no matter what choice I made- He is the one in control. You can't predict the weather when it comes to the sovereign God.
So maybe if I choose what looks "safe" and pain free, it's really more painful than if I had just put on my big girl boots, been courageous and done the hard thing in the first place.
But what if there is something better down the easy road? What if God is using my fear to keep me from making the wrong choice?
What if the hard thing to do isn't the right thing?
But what will I miss out on if I take the easy road? What if...
What if?
I think I may have fallen victim to a plague of over thinking.
I don't want to have to choose.
Selfishness is what it comes down to. I want what I want and I don't want to get hurt.
I'm too selfish to trust God.
And I want to scream at myself for it.
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