Post 171: when the world starts to fall apart...

Yeah, it's one of those days.
No, let me rephrase that-
It's been one of those lives...
I'm not sure where to start, or if I even should.
Gas prices are going up, work shifts are getting cut short, bills are piling up, school is getting expensive, people aren't getting along, rules are being changed, situations are being manipulated, computers aren't turning on, crazy people are crazy, and knowing you're sane when you live in an asylum is an impossibility... I can't do it.
And yet I keep on going because I know I can, so what other choice do I have?
Of course, on the day that I feel the most hopeless, the sun comes up behind a nasty cloud of humidity and smog. Heaven has a sense of humor. I say that in a disconnected, inoffensive sort of way, mind you. I know God loves me, I know He's there, watching over me and guiding all of the components of my life that I see as frustration. The sinner in me is a cynic.

Guess who got flowers at work today... :-) I had to brag on him to somebody. So why not brag to everybody :-)

I know that I just got back from Africa but that's not what I want to talk about...

Freedom in Christ.
An interesting thing to think about.
I have freedom in Christ.
But I do not live for myself. I live for others.
Or at least I ought to. That's the idea anyway.
Okay, I'm not making sense...

In 1 Corinthians 10 the apostle Paul talks about how we are no longer under the law but under grace. So we are free in Christ. But we were not saved for ourselves, but for the glory of God. He then addresses a problem in the Corinthian church- some believers were convicted on issues that were non-issues and were offended and condemning because other believers were practicing those things. In this instance the topic was eating meat that had previously been offered to idols. But does the spirit still apply to other issues? If love is truly kind and patient and looking out for the good of others rather than for the pleasure of self then gray areas aren't really gray. They're black and white. Just sometimes all mixed up together.
In other words, since I have freedom in Christ, I put discretion (and love for others) into practice by being careful to not offend their consciences. Even though it is not wrong for me to eat meat offered to idols, if it offends a sister in Christ then I will not eat it. If it doesn't offend, then go for it. But I am my brother's keeper- woe unto me if I cause a little one to stumble, right? If I cause my sister to condemn me because I was not sensitive to her beliefs and convictions, I have caused her to stumble. I should have been more selfless. If I truly love I will be selfless and so I ought to be quick to give up those things that I like in order to  encourage another to righteousness.
Wow, my life is not about me!
It's amazing how the worlds opinions seep into all the cracks and crevices of my life until I don't even know that it's there!
Hm... did any of that make sense? I feel a bit scatterbrained today.
:-)
Samia

Faerie tales kind of do exist...

My head is so full that I don't know where to start.
It's been one of those weeks.
I wish I'd had time to post sooner, while the thoughts were fresh in my mind, but even though I've had some time to "re-run" them through my head I know that it still won't come out quite like I was hoping it would.
Sometimes I stop and think about life; the choices I've made, the people I hang with, the places I've gone, the things I've said, and then I think about all the things that I haven't done, places I haven't gone and the things that I haven't said. It all comes down to fear.
I don't really trust God.
I mean, I do, in my head, but not in my life. He gives me choices, and in fear I decide one way, because I think that it's safer, that it's risk free, but in all reality what will be will be and I have no control over what happens.
I spend so much time agonizing over not being able to control certain things- but I can't control anything anyway!
We've been studying trusting God. If I really trusted God then I wouldn't refrain from potential pain. Because God is in control and God is good. Everything that He does is firstly for His glory and also (one and the same thing) for my good (possibly immediate but definitely ultimate). So if pain causes me to lean on Him and know Him more and love Him better, then I shouldn't avoid it.
But I'm afraid of pain. I don't want to hurt.
So I choose the path of least potential, right? But if I were to have stopped and thought about it- not only would pain have been the better choice, for me and for His glory, but He could have brought that pain no matter what choice I made- He is the one in control. You can't predict the weather when it comes to the sovereign God.
So maybe if I choose what looks "safe" and pain free, it's really more painful than if I had just put on my big girl boots, been courageous and done the hard thing in the first place.
But what if there is something better down the easy road? What if God is using my fear to keep me from making the wrong choice?
What if the hard thing to do isn't the right thing?
But what will I miss out on if I take the easy road? What if...
What if?
I think I may have fallen victim to a plague of over thinking.
I don't want to have to choose.
Selfishness is what it comes down to. I want what I want and I don't want to get hurt.
I'm too selfish to trust God.
And I want to scream at myself for it.

I still want to know what you and Matt were talking about...

I broke into a jewelry store this week.
Well not really...
We all managed to forget our keys in the back at the same moment.
Oops.
So it's a good thing that the glass doesn't go all the way up. Cuz I had to climb over it. My biggest fear was that security would see me, or a customer outside the store would see me and somehow it would get me in trouble. That's what I get for being the tallest person working that night. Actually, I think I may be the second tallest girl that works there. Val Pal is the same height as I am, and I think Alin the Bean is one inch taller...
Does anyone really enjoy my babble?
They're watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire in the other room. I don't. Money to me is just kind of meh. As long as I have what I need and a little extra to be able to treat my family and friends every once in a while I'm more than happy. And if I have less than that, well, it's a fun challenge then :-). If we could live in a world of trade, you know, money free, I think that would be cool. Money is too hard to keep track of, you know?
Well, I just got a look at the time and I've got to go. We're doing a fundraiser for the missions team today. It should be plenty of fun :-).
Samia

Oh boy...

I find myself in the possession of a bit of leisurely time and nothing leisurely to do with it. Yes, I am in it's possession rather than it being in mine, or else I would be doing something leisurely with it and enjoying myself immensely. Tonight is the first time in a few weeks that I have come home from work and not been exhausted and in want of sleep. And tonight I find myself in a very quiet, empty house. Well, no, it's not empty. There are plenty of people here, there always are, but they are sleeping. The sand man hasn't come for me yet. I hope he doesn't forget me all night long. That would be worse than exhaustion...
It's funny how life throws curve balls consistently and yet I still manage to be caught off guard by them. Things that ought to have been expected aren't and they come crashing down on me like it's never happened before. I pick myself up and brush myself off and look back over my shoulder to find the ruins of the last time I stopped learning from my mistakes.
I was reminded that I'm a complainer several times this week. Jude describes "grumblers and complainers" as being deserving of great judgement, ungodly sinners who have spoken against Him and will be judged by the Lord and ten thousands of His saints. I'd forgotten how seriously God takes sin.
But that's the gist of it, isn't it? Anytime that we need reminding of anything, it's because we've forgotten how seriously God takes our sin. He took it so seriously that He braved death and hell to save us from it.
And I complain about plaid shirts and paper cuts.
Some days I wish that my vocabulary (and my fingers) could keep up with my thoughts. Other days I'm glad that they can't. The world doesn't need to know what goes on in my head. But you can see the holes in my train of thought, can't you? Where I switch from one subject to the next and don't give an explanation or tie it to anything I've said previously? Sometimes I sit here for a good long while rereading what I've written and trying to fill in the gaps before I click the Publish button. Sometimes I don't.
I should pick up keeping a journal again. I used to write all the time when I was a kid. And Lord knows, my life would make quite the novel. It would be neat to be able to pass my stories on to my kids and my grand kids, if God gives me any.
*sigh*
One of these days I'll write my story down.
Right now I think I'll just write good night.
Good Night
-Samia

Choices, choices, choices...

Oh my.
Life just keeps becoming more and more complicated. I have a friend who says that nothing is complicated, we just say that it is as an excuse for not doing what is right. I don't know if that's my problem, maybe I'm just afraid of making decisions. Well, ok, I am afraid of making decisions, but this is a little different... it's complicated... heh heh...
There are so many places that I could go. Everyday brings myriads of decisions that could put me in any number of places just a few short years from now. Tomorrow is coming. It's coming today.
And it's freakin' scaring me out of my mind.
Everyday my mind swings in a different direction. Yesterday I thought I'd made my mind up, I thought that I was ok with the decisions I've been making. But today I'm not so sure. Tomorrow, or even tonight, I'll be fine, in fact, I'll be excited about everything.
And then I won't be so sure again...
*sigh*
So if tomorrow starts today, well, I guess you could see why I''m so nervous about today...
*sigh*
Well this post had no real point...
Samia

Some girls are beautiful on the outside, but just "eh" on the inside...

Oofta, Blogger switched things up on me... it took me a little while to figure out how to post.
Speaking of posts, I have been posting, from my phone, it just hasn't been working. Too many words, I think. I've tried shortening it, several times, but I guess I can only post one sentence at a time and Lord knows I just can't do that! :-)

So I've spent a ton of time thinking this week. Thinking seriously.
Who am I? Reference to my last successful post- what are my ingredients? Am I proud of them? or not? Will I be glad of who I was today when I look back in six months? two years? fifty years? Do half of the things that I spend my time on even matter at all? Will I ever look back and say, "I'm so glad that I took that twenty minutes and spent it googling summer dresses"?
I don't know about you, but I'm thinking not so much in the affirmative...
I was reading one of Elizabeth Elliot's book, Let Me Be a Woman, and have been captured by the idea of being helpful. In one of the chapters Mrs. Elliot addresses the reason that we (women) exist. Why were we created? Well, obviously, for the glory of God. But on a more human level, why? Because there was a lot of work to do in the garden and Adam needed help and company.
Time out: Don't misunderstand me. My thinking is not parked on the whole woman was created for man bit, though that is true, very true, just read through Genesis. However, my thinking is parked on woman having been created to help, to accompany another in general. Woman was created for a purpose outside of herself.
How self centered is this world! I'm afraid that I've let it rub off onto me. I'm caught up in the idea that I deserve something, that I can earn good things in this life, but not only is that forgetting the reason that I was created, it's belittling the God who set the standard which says that I deserve hell!
Modern society says that human beings have rights which ought to be observed, accommodated and satisfied, and within our environment that's a good thing. It puts boundaries on those who would otherwise take advantage of the helpless and weak. But it's missing the point. How we treat each other should be reminiscent of how God has treated us in His generosity, kindness, and mercy, but society has put God out of the picture completely and replaced Him with humanity. A sad substitution.
If God had not been forgotten, would we be teaching the same general principles of kindness (multiplied by the thousands, of course) that are assumed by making room for another's "rights" but with a different reason? Treat your fellow man with respect and kindness because you were not made for your own pleasure, rather than because your fellow man has "rights"...
I love it when I post and my thoughts go all over the place... maybe that's why nobody ever comments, ya'all just can't follow me... Sometimes it's like I only type out every other thought and then it kinda, sorta, mostly, doesn't make complete sense. Minds are like labyrinths, sometimes I get lost in my own...
Anyway, back to what I was thinking about before.
So, I was created for another. For others. My purpose- to bring glory to God and serve my fellow man. Boy is that a little different than I live.
I like the word helpful. Maybe it speaks to the practical, simple side of me. To me, saying, "How can I help you?" is just more, I don't know, fulfill-able than saying "How can I serve you?" Not that anyone ever says, "How can I serve you?" anyway... I'm probably not making much sense, silly little rabbit trail about a word...
Point being, this whole week has been so convicting, I'm encouraged to stop and weigh the choices that I'm making. Is this just simply selfish or can I be a help to someone else by doing this? Is this going to affect anyone else's life? If not, why not, and how can I change that?
At the moment, I can change it by ending this post and finishing the laundry and dishes that I started this morning.

Oh! One last quick note! I tried to post this from my phone but it didn't work. I'm going to South Africa this summer!!! I'm on a team from Grace Community Church and we'll be going to Johannesburg to help out with a Holiday Bible Camp and then Sasolburg to do a VBS type event. I'm so excited! But we need funds! If you 'd like to support us financially, leave a comment and I'll get back to you with how you can do that. If you can't support us financially please pray for us as we get ready to go. I'll keep you updated as we go along, but at the moment there are five of us and it's going to cost approximately $3200 per person. So prayers are needed!!
Ok, now to conquer the dish washer...
:-)
Samia

Say "Irish Wrist watch"...

So, unfortunately, I can't add post titles from my phone, which really sucks, because, as all of my readers know, the title is very important to me. :-) But I can still post and that I am thankful for. There have been so many times that I've had a thought that I wanted to post, but by the time I get around to doing it the thought is gone *poof* and I sit here trying to blog but coming up with nothing. Now I can blog from wherever I am :-) and I can post pictures from my phone too.

Prepare to being hearing from me more than you really thought you cared to. :-)

So, just yesterday I had a thought that I wanted to blog and amazingly enough, I actually remember what it was! So now I have to share... pardon the difficulty in reading, it's a bit choppy because my mind was all over the place and moving way faster than my fingers could...

I took my younger brother out for lunch yesterday. We were on our way home from his tutoring session at school and I hadn't had breakfast so we decided to be "bad" and pulled into the nearest fattery (I totally just made that up on the spot...).

I've been eating a little healthier, or, well, at least I've been trying to and I've lost a little bit of weight and I've been feeling pretty good. So I decided to try out the myth that some fast food places have healthy food that doesn't taste like cardboard and I ordered a turkey burger instead of a hamburger.

I was disappointed.

Junk food ought to just be junk food and not try to fool anybody. Heck, it probably wasn't even any healthier anyway...

"It tastes boring" I said after failing in an attempt to make Steven think that it was good enough to swap bites over. "I think I'd rather eat fake food." I grimaced. I suppose it wasn't really that bad, but I'd go to almost any length just to hear him laugh and he certainly did.

It occurred to me just then that lot's of healthy foods taste boring to me. I like the fake stuff. You know, the foods that have so much chemicals in them that they're not really foods anymore. For example: Twinkies. Have you ever looked at the ingredients list on a package of Twinkies? If you can't pronounce it, you probably shouldn't be putting it in your mouth... Actually, let me pull the Hot Pockets box out of the freezer and take a peek...

Oh. Dear.

That's a lot of ingredients.

"Unbleached Enriched Flour..." Ok, not so bad, but what does "Enriched" mean? "Water, Imitation Mozzarella Cheese..." What?! "(water, palm oil, mozzarella cheese, casein, modified food starch... sodium aluminum phosphate...)" Aluminum? really? in my food? "Monoglycerides...hydrochloride...sodium nitrate..." Ok, this box is going back in the freezer now. I've had my fair share of info. I guess some ignorance is bliss...

So, anyyyyway, back to my story.

So I like the fakes stuff. It might be made up of who knows what, but I like it. I'm used to it. I absently minded mumble to myself, "Why does the fake stuff taste so good when the stuff that's good for you tastes so boring?"

"Because you're used to the fake stuff." my brilliant little brother comments, between mouthfuls of yummier-than-my-turkey-burger-hamburger.

Because I'm used to the fake stuff.

Then another thought occurred to me: Maybe that's why it's so easy to get caught up in the excitement of this world and fail to be excited about heaven.

Because I'm used to the fake stuff.

This life is just fake stuff. "Now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face..."

That thought really makes all of my worries and fears and distractions seem so trivial. So fake.

I went rollerblading on Monday morning. It had just stopped raining, so the ground was wet and the air was chilly. I plugged in my earbuds and turned on a sermon about heaven. It was Nathan Busenitz. He had preached in our church a few Sunday's ago, but I'd been at work and only made it in time to hear the last three sentences. Those last three sentences were pretty good. In fact, the whole sermon was pretty good. Very good. Because it was about heaven and heaven is so good because heaven's about God. Man... I want to listen to it again now...

(here's the link for anyone who cares to listen, by the way)

Heaven seems pretty good. So why like the fake stuff?

I'm used to it.

I have a very good friend who is a good friend because she's not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong. She's so humble- she relates herself to bad women of the bible, because she understands that in God's sight our sin is terribly wrong, no matter how small.

She sees that in my life and is a good enough friend to tell me, but she has to tell me over an over and over again. She's always encouraging me to do the right thing, to stop and think about how my actions influence my testimony for Christ. I hear and I understand, but when it comes down to doing it... well, then she has to tell me again...

That's why I like this life, that's why I'm used to it. I live in the world and forget to pursue heaven. It get's put on the back burner and it takes faithful friends and pastors and teachers to remind me that I left it there and that it should be in the forefront of my mind instead.

My life, here on earth is like a Twinky. Or a Hot Pocket if you prefer. A hamburger.

It tastes good. It looks harmless.

It's what I'm used to.

But it's made up of genetically altered vegetable byproducts and petroleum derivatives.

The Devil's in the details.

I'm not excited about heaven because I've let it get boring. I've let it get boring by getting used to the fake stuff. I've gotten used to sweeping my mistakes under the rug. I've gotten used to saying, "God is forgiving so it's no big deal". I live in the world, there's nothing I can do about that. But I'm not suppose to be of the world. I'm not supposed to look like the world.

So what would make the difference?

The little chemicals in the ingredients list.

What's my life made of? What's the first thing I do in the morning? Who's the person that I think about the most? What do I do when there's nothing to do?

I think that my ingredients list looks something like this- "Humanity, pride, partially hidden fears, undeniable flaws (mistakes made 12 times, wisdom set aside and forgotten) spitfire, absent minded church attendance, batted eyes and wayward thoughts, worldly attraction, make up, hair spray, gossip, half truths and purposeful misunderstandings..." And the list could go on...

But the ingredients list for my life ought to look more like this- "Immovable, steadfast, always abounding in the work of the Lord, Having sufficiency in all things in order to abound in all good works, Having put off the old man and being renewed in mind, righteousness, true holiness, speaking truth, never giving opportunity to the Devil, incorruptible, edifying, kind to all, forgiving, walking in love, filled with the Spirit, patient, content, humble, blameless and faithful..."

I think I need to go on a diet. I need to cut out some things and start getting a taste for some other things...

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world."

-Samia

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3... I just set up blogger for my phone and this is just to see if it's working :-)

Sick Day

I'm a terrible student.

I think that that's a pretty comprehensive statement. Nothing more needs to be said, I guess.

It's Monday morning and obviously, I'm not in class. I think my mind is a little fuzzy today, because I'm actually seriously considering not going back.

I've work as a clerk in a jewelry store in a mall for the last two years and quite frankly, I'd rather do that for a few more years than have to go to school for a whole semester.

I'm in the first half of my second semester and I've already dropped two classes just because I can't handle school.

I've gotta do something different. This is killing me.

It's not the work load. I can handle that. I'm one of those lucky people blessed with the ability to get A's with very little effort.

It's not the teachers. They're actually all a lot of fun, and I've survived through worse.

It's just the fact that it's school. It's getting up in the morning to go sit in a class room for an hour and a half (or three!) and listen to someone lecture me on things I won't remember next week! I know, I know, everybody should get a degree if they can. I know some people won't even look at your resume unless it's got college under your list of accomplishments. I know it means a higher paying job. I know it often means more intelligent coworkers. I know that it's a "good idea".

News flash: I don't want one.

I like going to work. I like my job. I didn't need a degree to get it. Heck, the hiring manager didn't even get a copy of my resume and he still hired me. I know that it isn't really a waste of time, but I still can't help twiddling my thumbs and staring at the wall. Out of all of the classes that I'm required to take, how many of them will I use? How many will I enjoy?

Which one's will I look back on and say, "Oh, I'm so glad that I took that class! I wouldn't have much of a life if I hadn't!".

They keep saying that in a few years I won't think the same way. Ok, so I'll wish I'd gotten my degree and had a nice cushy job? Does anyone who knows me think that that sounds accurate?

Timeout: Just so all my readers understand- I'm not trying to start an argument about the merits of college. I'm not saying that I'm quitting. I'm not asking for someone to correct my thinking, I understand how getting one's degree is a sensible thing.

I'm just letting out some frustration on the subject. Wishful thinking if you will. I know that all of what I've just said is childish and silly and I'm wasting my time saying it. But I'm frustrated. So bear with me or go read another blog.

Yesterday someone asked me how school was going and what I was studying. I told her I'm undecided and... and...

and I ran out of things to say, besides "I don't know" there wasn't anything to say.

I don't know. If I did I wouldn't be here. I'd be out there doing it, instead of sitting here wishing I knew what I was doing.

There was a time, once upon a time, that I actually got through school without this amount of frustration.

I was living on campus at a Bible college.

I still was a terrible student. I'll always be a terrible student. I bet people are reading this and saying, "You just don't appreciate education at all, do you?" I do. It just looks like I don't. I'm okay with that. I don't mind that people misjudge me. I understand that that's my fault and I'll work on it. Bunny rabbit trail...

Anyways-I got through classes alright, I didn't mind getting up to go, and most of the classes were things that I wanted to know- Bible classes. That I'd sit through in a heart beat, with pleasure. Please and thank you very much. :-)

So maybe that's what I need to do. But here's the thing. Colleges like that usually aren't cheap. Not in this state anyway.

I know of a few back east that are affordable, but do I want to go to school out of state? As I said earlier- I do like my job, and my family (obviously)...

Ah, the questions without answers...

I've been on here far too long.

Later, Dudes.

Samia

Post #162

I have seen the battlefield. I have marched in the ranks. I have heard the King's decrees. I know my Sovereign's orders. I have stood by as losses were made and I have watched as small victories were won. I have seen the pain and loss that a battle brings. I have seen the desperation of failure. This war is not a game.

God forbid that I should treat it as one.

It is not against flesh and blood that I strive- or else I'd see that I have been wounded. It is not kingdoms of this world which are at war- or else it would be clear to all for whom I fight. It is not a famine, flood, or violent storm from which I run- for in plights from nature's fury there is little hope. It is not a foe with whom I quarrel, not a fear of which I am in dread, not an outward and foreign force which wages against me.

No. It is a friend, the most intimate of enemies, the most dangerous of harms- it is one whom I have always known who swings her sword at me. It is my closest companion and most constant peer who has wounded me and weakened me in this fight.

It is myself. It within me. It is my weakness of determination. It is my lack of vehemence. It is my love of self. It is my addiction to comfort. It is my pride.

It is my sin against which I fight. It is myself.

I have been warned- it is not a battle fought well alone. I have been instructed in ways of wisdom, in strategies of war. I and my fellows have been sent out to slay, each of us, our own man, side by side together. But somehow, in the midst of the battle and the deceptions of sin, and falsehoods of the fog, which around me lies- I failed to slay my foe and instead I defended her. I did not listen to those who warned me against the games that I played. I made little of the commands of the King, one by one. I compromised. I have gone and made the enemy a friend.

It's time to slay the dragon.

It's time to root it out.

It's time to set fire to myself, to my sin, so that by the light of the flames the whole world will see the emblem on my heart and know that even in my darkest hours, even in my weakest moments, even in the farthest corners of the most abstract parts of my life Jesus reigns!

In every choice that I make- what to eat and who to love- the Lord, God, commands my destiny. In every decision, even in my weakness of loyalty, He moves for the purpose of His glory. All is from, through, for and to Him- and no enemy can dissuade Him from His cause.

The hope that I have, the confidence in forgiveness of sins and victory of the battle lies in His character. For though I battle, and though I fail, His kingdom will not fall. Victory is guaranteed. He has already won.

So, I learn that this battle, this fight, this pain and loss and failure is not for the defeating of the devil, for He is already doomed, but for the strengthening of my faith, the testing of my endurance, the building of my courage, the killing of my pride. This battle is for the glory of my God. It is not a game.

God forbid that I should treat it as one.

Well... everybody's cute... you're cute...

Turns out that I really don't like math after all. I woke up last Tuesday morning and wanted to cry at the thought of having to go to my algebra class. In fact, the memory of it is making me tear up now... I say memory because I wimped out and dropped the class. Two weeks in and I couldn't handle it anymore... there goes my theory about being a generally patient person...

*sigh*

Ever feel like your life could be straight out of the script for a soap opera? I actually had a coworker compare mine to a soap opera she knew once... and just when it's getting fun (in a not really so fun sort of way) then BAM! the big shocker shows up. Or at least, A big shocker, in soap operas the drama never really ends and so, when you think it's finally hit the climax and it can't possible have any more drama, something else happens...

I'm pretty sure it can't get any more dramatic though... I hope so anyway, because that last shocker made a whole lot'o jaws drop...

If it does I may have to get a new supporting cast.

Oh, you thought it was my drama? no, no, no. This time I'm not really involved in the drama, just sitting in the back seat and hoping that I don't get stuck in a car accident because the driver all of the sudden decided to abandon ship.

Wow, maybe people like me are the ones that write the soap opera scripts... because that sounds a lot more dramatic than it really is...

Anyway, small detour there and we're back to me catching you up on my life... By the way, Dallas, are you still reading this? By now you've got to have noticed that I'm a little wacky...

just a little...

So, after having dropped the only class that I didn't like I'm loving school. :-) Music, music, and more music! I'm in two choirs, taking a voice class, and a music fundamentals class (just to make sure I didn't miss anything). Oh and to add another cherry to the top, my friend has his senior recital coming up and he's looking for people to sing the Gloria that he wrote, so I might be doing that too.

I successfully paid off my loan a few weeks ago and I'm trying to save for a truck. If I could have my wish I'd get a Chevy Silvarado circa the late 70s, early 80s. You know, the old ones with the real wide bench seat so you can cram all your friends into it without somebody sitting on an arm rest. There's one sitting in a front yard around the block and the owner only wants $2500 for it, but it's been sitting there a while, so I don't even know if it drives...

Well, there's a good amount of text here, none of which is really worth reading, but thanks for your time anyway! Glad you join me in my crazy rantings :-)

Samia

So, I'm 21 now.

How's that for a conversation starter? Funny that I should mention it- tonight the sermon is going to be on Christians and alcohol. I'm pretty sure that I've already got my opinion formed though. I think I just need someone to back me up, that's all. You know, give me the gumption to say, "No." good and firm when somebody asked me to go to a club with them.

I am seriously not interested, but thank you kindly.

As I said the other night- I'm not the kind of girl that likes to have the kind of fun that you have to be "old enough" to have. Sure a glass of wine is nice, but when you pull out the shot glasses, or put on your short skirt and turn up the music, hm, I think I have homework to do.

Speaking of which, I start school the week after next. I'm actually a little excited about it. I'm taking some music classes and a math class. Yay for the music, meh for the math. But hey, I've successfully avoided all manner of organized educational math for the last few years, I think it's time to get it over with, right? And who knows, maybe it'll turn out that I don't hate math as much as all that after all.

Boy, wouldn't that be funny? I spend over half of my life running like mad from math and getting bad grades 'cuz I don't even like it enough to tolerate it and it turns out that I enjoy it. Wouldn't that just take the cake, huh?

Are we happy plastic people?

So if our trials make us stronger, why doesn't God dish them out more often? and how come I'm not stronger than I am?

If the more I'm in The Word the more I want it, then why do I ever put it down?

I know that feeling. When I've spent so much time in The Word that when I have to put it down for an hour I feel desperate to get back to it, I want it, I need it. How do I lose that?

The longer that I stay away, the less I want it and pretty soon it's a chore- but I don't want it to be! I want... I want to want it!

"I love the feeling of never wanting to leave and always wanting to return."

I don't know, maybe I'm too fixated on how it pleases me, rather than on how it pleases Him. I'm a sinner, there's nothing that I can do about that, but He redeemed me with His very blood so that I'd have the power to say yes to Him and no to myself... and yet here I am trying to do the right thing (and failing, by the way) for the wrong reason. Me is not a right reason.

Wow. I can read The Word for the wrong reason...

Depraved. That's the only word I've got.

And people actually think that the doctrine of total depravity is bologna.

It's most definitely not bologna.

Trust me, I know.

I suppose that doing the right thing when it's hard is another one of those trials meant to make us stronger then.

Maybe He dishes trials out more often than I know.

"Try and do the best you can

Hold on and let Him hold your hand

And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus

Oh, lift your head it's gonna end

God's right there

Even when you just can't reel Him

I promise you that He still cares

Cause if He started this work in your life

He will be faithful to complete it

If only you believe it

He knows how much it hurts

And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He know that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

In time it's gonna get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger"

-Mandisa, "Stronger"