Children

I just began reading Elizabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity last night. I highly recommend it. While reading it I've realized a few things, things that are very important. But first- Ms. Elliot wrote many quotes from a notebook that she has kept over the years in the book. She said that a teacher in the chapel at her college suggested it. She keeps it as a journal of spiritual progress, of battles and victories, of desires and blessings. I am going to find a empty book- or maybe I'll just go buy one at the Dollar Store- and I'm going to follow suit. I'd like to get something large enough that I won't run out of paper soon, but small enough that I can carry it in my purse or book bag, or whatever I tend to carry the most.That way I can open it whenever I need and write in it whenever I feel.
Also- Ms. Elliot wrote about a time when Jim came to her- before they even hinted at feelings for each other- and he confronted her about her lack of evangelism. That made me stop and think; If someone I know now came to me to confront me would it be on that issue- YES!
-Most importantly, I should not wait for someone to confront me, I know that this is something I must work on and yet I don't! This must change! I would never consider myself a courageous person, and yet I have proven to have the courage in evangelism- on a "Missions Trip"- so why not all the time? Perhaps I'm looking at it the wrong way, perhaps the issue is not lack of courage, but lack of motivation, due to lack of awarness. I ought to spend more time considering how I could be a witness rather than when.-
For the sake of argument, if I did wait to be approached on this subject what would my response be? Would I be open to the confrontation and encouragement to righteousness, and would I humbly seek to right this wrong- or would I respond pridefully with "I know, it's tough, y'know." and brush it off and completley forget about it? I don't think I want to wait to find out.
Lastly- (but most definately not least) I must state first- Contrary to what I tend to say, I have always felt as if God has been preparing me for marriage and family my entire life. Growing up, my Mom always had extra children in the house, whether it be daycare or a ministry to someone in the church. There was always some way for me to be helping with the younger kids. I love kids, I work with kids now and I love my job. Recently someone asked me how many chidren I wanted and my response was, "Well, I've never actually thought about it, whatever God gives me I guess, but eight sounds reasonable." No. I'm not kidding. I wasn't when I said it either. Sometimes I think that children will be the easiest part of having a family. (I will learn other wise I'm sure.) I love cooking and baking and occasionally cleaning, ironing, gardening, orginizing, etc. I think you can see why I would assume that God has a family in store for me.
But maybe I've misunderstood.
God has given me the gift, I believe, of understanding and caring for children. I have a heart for the children, some might say. I sponser a little girl in Albania, I work with children, my heart aches when I hear of children who have been neglected by their parents and stuck into the system to go from one family to the next and rarely, if ever, meeting someone who really loves them. When I was a kid I was completely convinced that I was not going to have any children of my own, because there are already enough children without parents in the world and what if something happened to me? there would be even more children without parents. (I cannot comment on this specific subject anymore- I often wonder at the joy that new Moms and Dads feel holding thier own little ones in their arms- I still have a heart for the orphans, but I also want to feel that joy- I am torn...)
Perhaps God means for me to use this gift in a place other than a home, with a husband and children. Perhaps He means for me to stay single, maybe even to become a missionary, to minister to the children in other countries. I cannot know for sure. I will not know for sure until He makes it clear to me. Patience is so hard.
I begin classes in a little over a month. The beginning of four whole years of classes. Four years of constant reminders of God's presence. Four years of encouragement toward the glory of God. But also, four years of friends reminding me that 98% of Home Economics students at this particular college get married. I'm a Home Economics major. Four years. Oh, how I hope and pray that God would keep me focused on Him alone. I want to be completely oblivious to anyone else until I can be oblivious no longer. I want to focus on God and what He wants of me in the moment rather than on what I hope will happen.
Here is a quote from Ms. Elliot's notebook that I really like. This is the second half- I shall keep the first half in my heart.

Set Thou our faces as a flint of stone
To do Thy will. Out goal be this alone.
Oh God, our hearts are fixed. Let us not turn.
Consume all our affections, let Thy love burn.

So I offer up all my affection and my hopes and all my desires- for He gave everything, ought not I to give everything in return?