Very much so in fact. I went to the college ministry on Sunday and now I'm terrified of growing up. I'm not kidding. Getting a full time job, learning to be even more responsible, getting married (if it's God's will) children, ... Yeah, I know all that's a long way off but I'm still scared! How do I know that I'll make good decisions?! Will I like my job? Will I marry the right guy?!
Okay, so maybe most of this is about marriage. Honestly, I do want to get married. I didn't used to. But now God has given me the desire and I'm not sure what to do with it. That little saying is so true; "You don't decide who you're going to marry. God does. You just have to wait to see who you get stuck with." Marriage for me is a wonderful thought, definitely something I look forward to. But I'm absolutely terrified that... I don't know, that I'll marry the wrong guy or blow off the right one! And I know that it's not even my decision:God decided long ago. And what if it's God's will that I don't get married!? then what? I have no long term plans. I'm going to work full time for the next year and then go to Master's for hopefully four years and then what?! If I get married, according to rumor, it'll be while or just after I'm at Master's. If I don't get married...am I going to live with my parents for the rest of my life?! I love my parents and I'm not running screaming from the house, but I really don't think I could live with them forever. I do love them. :)
And here's the college thingy! I was/am going to go to Master's to get my degree in music education, but now I'm not so sure. I definitely want to go to Master's but do I really want to take music? If I don't get married will I be able to live off of that? If I do get married, will I be able to use that? I love art and music and food and sewing and lots of stuff, but what do I want to take in college?!!
I need prayer. Lot's of prayer.
Sometimes I just wish that a knight in shining armour will sweep me off of my feet so that I can just forget about college all together...
Yeah, I'm scared.
1 comment:
Sweets.
I am sorry to say but a knight in shining armor that takes you away from fear is just taking you to another place where you will fear. Because "no matter where you go, there you are." We can change our situations, but unless our heart and our feelings about ourselves align with God no knight, move, money, or friends will change how we feel about "us."
BUT, I will pray for you. And I do - constantly - but I will be more specific about college and work and living at home and stuff.
You know, with all that you love, you could be a home ec. teacher. Do they have those anymore? You love kids. Why don't you go for primary ed.? (You'd get the summers "off" - hooray!!!) Or, spend a year at home working and then go to China after you are 18 (with a bunch of kids from my church) and spread the gospel to college kids there.
My goal is to go in about 3 or 4 years. (Wanna be my roommate?) The head of Campus Target (Toby and Mikaela Cavannaugh) want me to go. I told them I had to get my finances and body in shape for the journey. But once I do, I'm takin' it to China. :-) Even if I end up in an orphanage caring for little ones or being a mentor/mom for the American "kids" who are there, that is fine with me.
Check out this website, and see if missions is the place to take away your fear. :-) Their flyer says, "Ten years from now, you'll have a house. a family. a career. But before you settle down, change a nation. and the world." Check it out at www.campustarget.org.
I love you, I miss you, I want to hear how camp went. :-)
Ante S.
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