Oh, the troubles of my heart.

It kinda sucks to be in a place where you're always wishing you were somewhere else. Its almost like pretending to be someone you're not, but if you're always wishing you were somewhere else, are you even aware of where it is you really are? ('I' should be substituted for 'you'...)
I feel like my life is such a mess because my head is always somewhere else. It's as if I have no idea who I am, because I'm not paying enough attention to myself to figure it out. So much so, that I am surprised and confused by my own words... wow... uh, what?. . .
I want to fix this but it's so hard. Everytime I start to open my eyes to myself I get scared and close them even tighter than before (all metaphorically speaking of course).
Yesterday I think I got a little taste of what 'Freedom from myself ' would be like. After about twenty minutes of wandering around the house, I finally got myself to go out and run around the block. I ran about a quarter of the way, and I remember thinking, 'Why did I say I hated running? This is fun, I should do this more often'. But then I got the halfway mark (I know I have absolutely no stamina, it's pitiful) and I began to get really tired, my body kept saying, 'You can stop, it's okay, just for a few seconds, you're gunna stop eventually...' and I wanted so badly to stop, but something reminded me of past 'few-second-stops' and I knew that I would walk the rest of the way, so I kept going. (Amazing! I was paying attention to what I was doing!) I got all the way around and back to my street again, but it was hard, I kept slowing down. 'It's gunna take forever if I run this slow, oh, but I'm so close, geez, now I'm gunna get frustrated and stop, it's alot farther than it looks...' Seriously, I was talking to myself (not outloud, I didn't have enough oxygen for that...) But then the cool thing happend, I swear I must have gotten this really serious look on my face, I gritted my teeth, and suddenly; I was running faster! And it wasn't hard! God is truly amazing, people! It felt really good!
But then when I got home, I laid down on the floor in my room and died. I must've stayed that way for about forty-five minutes. I think I drank like thirty-two ounces of water in a period of two minutes. I probably would have been okay, but I'm still getting over a cold, so, even though I accomplished defeating myself (for once!) it still wasn't a very good idea to run like that. (I did feel really good when I woke up this morning though, maybe I should run again today)
Well, I'd better unplug myself and be myself (that was so cool!)
See all y'all around!
Samia