Motivation is Necessary

Gee wiz, have I been consistent!
I'm going to try to rewrite my track record.
So, I'm sure my last two posts may have confused you, dear readers! Yes, I was pregnant- but, I had my baby! A beautiful, wonderful little boy who turned 11 months today! And, yes, I did also have a miscarriage. Now that that is cleared up...
I gained a LOT of weight with my first pregnancy. I do NOT regret it. My little man is the healthiest, smartest, most active baby i think I've ever met! (And I've worked in childcare for quite a few years) However, I DO regret what I've been doing to remove the excess weight for the last 11 months... Because I've been doing nothing.
I have a lot of reasons to lose weight, but up until recently not very many of them were good enough reasons. I don't like the idea of losing weight to make myself feel comfortable, or because I know someone else disapproves of my size. I don't see myself as unhealthy because of my size, (but I recognize that it is a side affect of my neglected health and can further contribute to the consequences of lack of exercise (e.g. Joint problems). In other words, I think it's wrong for anyone to assume that I'm "unhealthy" merely by my appearance or a number on a scale.) I don't want to lose weight to "feel sexy", in fact, I can't honestly say that I've never felt sexy in and of myself. My husband says he thinks I'm sexy and I believe him, and he may continue to think that all he wants, but it won't affect how I feel on my own. I don't want to lose weight to look better in a bathing suit, I proudly wore a bikini while pregnant as a house, stretch marks and all, and I think more women ought to be comfortable enough with themselves to do the same. I don't want to lose weight to feel accepted or popular, I live in a place where no one cares and I LOVE that! No one should care.
So those are some reasons I'm not losing weight.
However, I would like to fit into some of my old comfy clothes- because they're comfy. I would love to stop feeling 15 years older than I am. I would love to be able to explore the mountains free of abnormal aches and pains. (Oh yeah... We live in East Tennessee now, by the way) Aaaaaaand, drumroll please...
As stupid as it is... I would really like to qualify for an elite life insurance policy! Haha...
We're working on switching over from our Texas insurance company and discovered that if I were a lower weight we could save a lot of  money. Other than that stupid number on the scale (when put it on paper next to my height) I am perfectly healthy! (On paper, that is)
So... Here's me being confident in myself (so, obviously that's not why I'm losing weight, haha, everyone struggles with confidence):
I am 5' 4.5" and need to weigh around 115-140 lbs. (insurance company's use a chart that was written in 1943 and "slightly revised" in 1983, so they expect a bit less than should be normal).
Firstly, this will be interesting because I tend to weigh around 20lbs more than I look... I guess I'm just pretty dense. So, I'm going to have to focus on slimming down, NOT building much muscle. And I'm really good at building muscle.
Secondly, this will be interesting because, well... I currently weigh 188lbs.(I started this venture last week, at the time I weighed 193lb) I'm 23lbs more than I was before pregnancy... Which was about 20lbs more than I was when I got married, three years ago.
Don't ask how much I weighed when I was 40 weeks pregnant. Let's not go there.
Anyway, point being- I need to lose more than 48lbs.
Ouch, that's more painful on paper! Or... on the Internet... whatever.
I only have a semi-plan at this point. Starting last week I'm doing a three day per week detox and weight loss diet. For those that didn't do the math a few paragraphs back, I've lost 5lbs already (that 5 lbs was already deducted from the 88lbs, so I still have 88lbs+ to go).
We have a pool at our new apartment, and a set of stairs, so I might start some easy exercise tomorrow while I come up with my plan...
I'll check in every once in a while. If I don't, then feel free to leave me (polite) nasty messages, because I'm a lousy blogger!
Wish me luck!
And all the resolution of the 300 Spartans... I'll probably need that too... There's mint chocolate chip ice cream in my freezer.

My week has not been like Job's, however...

I've learned a lot lately.
For instance, just because something is intangible, doesn't make it any less real than something that is tangible.
I went through a bit of Post Partum Depression a few months ago, it was really difficult, but it was intangible. I've been tempted to say, "That was nothing, what was I complaining about?" when I think about it now. This week has been tangibly difficult.
But I have joy in spite of it. I've learned so much! And in just a few short days I've seen that new found wisdom make a difference in my life. I almost feel like a new person. I'm not hiding in a dark corner somewhere crying about how much it sucks to be an adult and how much I suck at adulting. I'm moving forward in spite of difficulty and obstacles. It's quite wonderful. :-)
It's just so sad that death had to occur for me to learn those things.
Monday of last week: I'll keep it short and to the point. I found out I was pregnant, but I knew that something was wrong. Deep down inside I knew what.
Wednesday AM: I visited my midwife and she confirmed my fears- I had miscarried. My baby died. I'm thankful that I was only 5-6 weeks along and that God gave me signs before visiting my midwife. From the moment I found that I was pregnant I had already been considering how I would respond to a miscarriage. I had two days to wonder and cry and commit it to God, so when it was confirmed I was very close to peace and only needed another day to come to it. But I wasn't there yet and Wednesday wasn't over.
Wednesday PM: We have a dog with a history of nervous/aggressive behavior and biting. Her age is a mystery, but the vet said she probably has cancer (she had big and growing lumps all over). They didn't do any test to confirm it because she was old enough that it would have been cruel to her to put her through treatments and prolong her life in pain. There have been days that she would limp around the house in pain or sleep all day and not wake up easily. Behavior wise, she has been doing really well since I got married (she adored my husband!) but in the last year she has regressed terribly. She bit me during a thunderstorm a few months ago, it was a bad bite, my thumb is still not fully healed from it. She has growled an snapped a the baby a few times (he loves her best) but only nipped him once and didn't leave even the slightest mark. Then a few weeks ago my husband was trying to give her medication for the fleas and worms that she had contracted and she bit him again. We talked to a lot of people- veterinarians, rescue shelters, rehoming specialist... everyone said the same thing...
So, with already hurting hearts from the loss of our baby, we took our pet to be sent to the rainbow bridge where she could make her way to the happy hunting grounds. As hard as it was, we know that she's not in pain anymore, she's not afraid anymore, and she'll never hurt anyone again. Knowing that doesn't make it feel better though. It doesn't make us forget her and all of the happy times we had with her. It doesn't make it easier when our other dog refuses to eat vegetables and we remember that she was the one that loved lettuce, when we're showering and the door doesn't get pushed open because she wants to be with us even when we're naked, or when we read that there's a thunderstorm coming and we don't need to prepare a hiding place for her... I still haven't picked up her toys that are lying around the house... I don't want to touch them.
I don't have anything to remember my baby by, but every time I see something that reminds me of my dog I think of them both. And I think it will always hurt. But my dog is no longer in pain and my baby never had to experience it at all.
Wednesday PM, Part II: When we got home from the animal clinic we were both a mess, I had cried off an on all day due to pregnancy hormones and a broken heart and even my husband was unable to hold back the tears when we signed in at the clinic. Our other dog moped around the house like he too was in pain.
And then an ambulance pulled up out front...
We have a friend and neighbor, GW, who we've been praying for and visiting with over the last few months. He has cancer and it's taking over. He's had many surgeries, but the doctors just can't seem to catch up with the spreading of the disease. When we saw the ambulance I sarcastically announced, "That had better not be for anybody that we know... or else." But we soon discovered that it was for our friend. A friend found him incoherent and called for the ambulance. They took him to the hospital and sedated him. The cancer had spread to his lungs and there wasn't much time left. He never even had a chance to try the home made bread that I made for him... I should have made it the day he requested it, even though I was busy... I should have lived like there was no tomorrow...
Thursday AM: I had the opportunity to meet with a girl friend for lunch but when I went out to out car I discovered that it had been broken into. The door was open and the lock was smashed in. Thankfully nothing was stolen. The hood was popped, so our theory is that someone tried to steel the car and when it wouldn't start (it has consistency problems) they just left it.
Thursday PM - Monday things seemed to be ok. We had time to mourn our losses and wind down from all the excitement. By the time Sunday morning rolled around we were even feeling joyful! We were able to spend some time outside enjoying the grass and sunshine and working on future plans and recovering.
Tuesday morning we woke up early and decided to head out to Panera Bread for breakfast, bagels and coffee. When we were ready to leave, however, we ran into more trouble. My husband pulled on the parking break to remove it and the cable snapped... You can't drive a manual truck with the parking break applied, it's just not a good idea at all. So we pulled out the owner's manual and figured out how to manually loose the parking break so that we could at least drive home (the auto store wouldn't have the correct part in stock until the following day). With the break loose we buckled up and... the engine wouldn't start... So my husband got out and pushed while I prepared to pop the clutch and start it. Thankfully a few strangers came over to help, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to get it going fast enough to pop start it. On the way home we discovered that when we released the parking break line we didn't detach the wires to the break warning... so all the way home, "DING DING DING DING!!!" It was pretty irritating... Later around 3pm the hot water got shut off. There was a hole in the pipes and they intended to have it repaired quickly, but they kept finding more holes. Unfortunately the way the apartment is piped we can't use the shower at all without the water pressure from the hot water present. In other words, we can't even take cold showers.
Wednesday AM (this morning): We learned that our friend had passed on to glory in the middle of the night. But my husband figured out how to repair the parking break and door lock on his own. But the water is still off...
I'm exhausted from writing/reliving all of that... now is the part where you go back up to the top of this post and reread that I really am at peace with everything... I'm just tired all of the sudden, haha...
And I'm never going to complain about having a hard week ever again!

Week 5 day 5

So, I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday. (It is currently Thursday)

I hadn't been paying attention and wasn't sure when the last time I'd had my period was, so I took the test to remind myself to chill. I just needed to see the negative, ya know?
I set it on the counter and noticed a single line suddenly appear, nice and dark like it had just been waiting for its moment to shine. "Negative." I thought, "Oh well, that's what I needed to see." My husband and I have only been trying to have children for four months, but I had always pictured myself a mom years before now.
I got up, washed my hands, and splashed some water on my face. I had only just woken up and wasn't even dressed beyond my knickers yet.
A small, relentlessly hopeful part of me glanced back at the pregnancy test perched on the corner of the counter.
And I did a double take.
Panic seized me something like the fright of being pranked in a dark alley.
Two lines.
A nice vivid X in the window of the test, one vertical, and a slightly less robust one horizontal.
Positive.
I entered a state of lethargy. I don't think that I was even capable of translatable thoughts for a minute or two. I stood staring at the test, inching a little bit closer to be sure the lights weren't playing tricks on my eyes and then standing erect again in shock.
I put my hand to the doorknob and then put it down again. I looked at the test and then at the door and back again. "I should tell Josh!" I thought, when I could fully think again. "Oh wait, I was going to do something cute..." I had all these fun ideas of how to spring it I'm him. I'd gone pinterest crazy on a few occasions.
I think, when it came down to it, I just couldn't handle the thought of being pregnant on my own. Josh is my best friend, more than that, my husband and the reason for a positive pregnancy test. My mind couldn't handle the burden of the thought for one more moment without him.
I opened the door and stood there, mostly naked, looking over at him. He was seated on our bed, facing me, with his laptop in his lap, and doing a video call with one of his students (who happens to be a particularly good friend as well).
For quick clarification I have to note that the camera was facing away from me the entire time and the student was clueless as to the amount of clothing I had on (or lack thereof). I only included that information because it shows the partial hilarity of what was going on. Back to my story...
Josh hadn't noticed me standing awkwardly in the doorway yet, so I leaned over to check the test again. Yep, positive. In fact, I realized that the bright, bold, audacious line that I had attributed to be a negative was the one line that isn't normally there. It was the positive. It was so positive about its positivity that it had jumped the gun and shown its colors before the neutral line could even establish itself.
I stood up and looked at Josh again, getting more and more adrenaline rushed (and generally hormonal) as the seconds sped by. I repeatedly checked the test as I waited for an appropriate time to interrupt. But in the end sheer panic won over any attempt at sensible behavior. Knowing that if I picked up the test too early it could be ruined, I instead picked up the box it had come in and shook it, rattling the leftover contents and successfully getting my husband's attention.
He looked over with a very familiar look that says "I'm working. Are you ok?" and "Is it important enough to pause my call for?" all at one moment. I had no words and quickly realized that all I was communicating was that my box of prgnancy tests had no more pregnancy tests in it. He glanced at his computer screen and when he looked back I was vigorously nodding my head, my eyes begining to fill with tears.
"Wait," he said, his eyes getting wide and his mouth dropping open, "Are you kidding?" His voice was serious and I put my hand over my mouth to stifle a sob as I, again, quickly nodded. The tears were streaming down my face as I was reminded of how good God is, even when we fail to believe that He is.
Someday I hope that Google will allow us a copy of that video call. He didn't have it set to record, but Google records everything.
As soon as he realized I was serious he announced the news to his student. I put on appropriate clothing and cuddled up next to him as we chatted with his student and let the news sink in. After the test had time to set I showed it to him and took a picture for memories sake. I think I also needed to be able to look at the picture and remind myself that I wasn't making anything up.
The next two days passed with lots of excitement. We told a few people that had been praying for us and regularly asking us for updates on our family planning. I set up interviews with a few midwives and a tour at a birth clinic. We realized why I had been so exhausted that week and why one of our dogs (who has been mine since he was 8 weeks old) had been acting so clingy and protective lately.

I must be Dory's cousin... I have long term consistency issues...

I love ice cream.

And Nutella.

I'm also a pretty big fan of pizza.

And cookies.

And I don't mind cooking/baking at all.
Food. I kinda have a little thing for food.
Ok, a big thing, a rather disturbing obbsession thing...

But I don't like running, it's uncomfortable (to put it lightly). And I absolutely loathe washing dishes. Both of which are kind of big problems... The only jeans that I comfortably fit into are so worn out and torn up that it's really not all that modest for me to wear them in public anymore...

I don't mind yoga, I enjoy the simple, equipment-free exercises on Pinterest, I enjoy swimming (except for having to wash my hair afterwards), and I love to dance to any kind of music.

My problem is that I am the most inconsistent person in the whole world. And I don't completely mind it... I'm glad that I was homeschooled because I can't stand the monotony of classes. It's only exciting for the first two weeks and then I need something new, or a switch in the schedule, or a different teacher, or subject matter, or... something...

But when it comes to exercise, or washing dishes, you don't get good results from inconsistent efforts. The pants fit. But only for a couple days and then they don't again. The kitchen is spotless. But only until the next meal.

I really do want to be more consistent in things, but after a little while it feels like someone is forcing a plastic bag over my head. I would rather have teeth pulled than have to wash the dishes every day (I'm not even going to bother mentioning every meal). And, yes, I have had teeth pulled. Four of them. I am well acquainted with the process. I would still rather have teeth pulled.

I've thought that maybe if I took a dance class that it would force a certain amount of consistency on me, just because I'd actually have to go every week. But those things cost money and we're trying to save money. Besides, doesn't that defeat the whole purpose? I wouldn't actually be learning consistency, I'd merely be forcing myself into a mold of it, making myself just look like it... Or does it?

Not sure what the point of this post is, but hey, I posted :-)

I have to say that I am incredibly thankful for my husband, the "life coach", who has helped me to wade through the craziness of, well, me. I'm finding more and more, every day, my interests, faults, and hidden dreams and fears. Maybe before we head home tonight (we're at Starbucks) he'll help me wade through this too. Maybe I need a short term goal. I do short term pretty well, y'know, like two weeks or shorter ;-)

Samia 

I refuse to be a grown up yet!

I'm sitting on my couch with the balcony door pulled all the way open, listening to the rain in the trees, and munching on Oreos. Its 12:15 and my husband is still asleep. Based on where I found my iPad and the earbuds that were plugged into it, he had some trouble sleeping last night. It happens less for him than it does for me these days, but when he just can't sleep he watches a movie. I think it helped this time... I've been up for forty five minutes and making a bit of noise. He hasn't moved. I even took the dogs for a 20 minute walk. Usually if I get up and leave the bed before he's awake he then dreams something about me missing and then wakes up to find me gone. Didn't happen this time and I even left him a note.

For those of you who caught that, yes, I woke up at 11:30 this morning. Because I'm still a teenager. I require more sleep than my husband (he usually needs about 6-7 and I need more like 9), I have an obsession with junk food (the Oreos are breakfast), I really can't seem to get a good grip on this whole always having a clean house thing (even though I'm a full time housewife, I mean, how hard should it be?), I stay up away too late on a regular basis (I'm not the only one with that problem though), and yet somehow I still get sleepy at 9 pm...we built a fort last week. With sheets and clothes pins. We built it in the bedroom, over the bed, and then we left it up and slept in it (because somehow, as a kid I had never done that). 

Speaking of junk food... I figured something out. I've gained a, um, decent amount of *cough* weight since I've been married. I used to eat waaaay more junk food than I do now, so why have I gained weight? I also exercise more than I did then... It's because I have a husband who needs meals. I'm actually cooking and eating full meals, but then munching on my favorite foods in between. So I have a solution! I just need to stop eating real meals! Ha! I'm just kidding, I need to stop eating junk food... But real food isn't as tasty... Or maybe I need to cook my way through a cookbook and figure out which meals will fill my craving for junk food...

For now I'll just finish my Oreos... I think I'm gunna go splash in a few puddles.

:-D

-Samia

Relationships involve people. Individuals. Human souls.

I've been looking through some of my old blog posts and some unrelated memories are coming back that make me... I'm actually having trouble finding the words to describe what I'm feeling.

I guess that I'm bummed. Not quite sad, because I know that all things are in God's hands, so there are very few things that I am able to regret, but still, I can't help wondering what would have happened if I hadn't been so stupid so often.

I can't help wondering how much my actions affected specific people, even actions that were thought through but not thoroughly. I know that I hurt people, I treated them like phases or seasons instead of like individuals, but did I mess with more than just feelings? If I had known and not been so stubborn would we still be friends? If I had chosen the other side in a grey area would everyone be better off for it? Did I stunt the spiritual growth of a friend because I was a bad example when it mattered the very most? Did I split friends up because I didn't have the grace to understand how some people change? How I change? How life changes? 

I know that I can't do anything about it now, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry that it took me so long to see that I don't value people as much as they're worth. I never even had the decency to thank you for all the time you put into my life. I say that pointedly and specifically to anyone who has ever felt that they got a cold shoulder from me and don't know that it was more than a shoulder, but my very heart.

I really am very truly sorry.

-Samia

(R.H.)

Part 2... I'm not finished yet! :-P

This should be interesting. I think the last time I did a two parter I couldn't remember where I was going with what I was saying and I ended up just kind of rambling...

Overview of the last post:

-I have a history of seeing my femininity as a weakness and am secretly embarrassed by some simple expressions of it.

-I'm a pessimist. I've resigned myself to accepting and making the best of the lemons that life gives me, but I don't expect anything better than lemons.

But, there is error in my thinking.

I know that.

First of all- I don't remember where I was going with talking about my view of pink or how pessimism fits into a conversation about it...

Either way, I have been and am still learning to embrace the simple joys of being a girl- like drinking tea from a pretty teacup with Beatrix Potter's animal friends painted on the saucer, because it's cute and I can if I want to and it's not something to be embarrassed about. I call my husband to kill bugs in the house now. Can I do it? sure, but I still find it gross, so I let him be my shining knight. And maybe I even squeal a little bit. But I'm being myself.

I am a woman.

And I'm also a little girl.

And that's okay.

I've had to do a lot of thinking and, I'm not sure how accurate this phrase is but, soul searching to see those things and just let go and be me. In the process I've opened a whole can of worms...

Y'know how God sanctifies us by causing us to see our sin? One day you pray that He would make you more holy and the next day you're on your worst behavior and thinking, "What about my prayer?!" Until you realize that you're always like that but you had to see it in order to change it...

I'm having one of those moments.

Well, I dunno if you could call it a moment, it's taking a while to work through.

You see, my pessimism isn't the problem.

I believe that God is good and that He gives us the very best for us and for His glory.

I also believe that God is all powerful as He says in His word.

But I don't believe that dreams come true.

That last statement didn't come out of left field. I've been learning, that not all medicine tastes bad. Sometime what is best for us and for God's glory is having our dreams come true. I'm not being all that clear...

My pessimism is driven by a lack of faith. Though I believe all the things I stated above, I had failed to believe that God is perfect and powerful enough that He could possibly have designed history in a way that would allow room for His best for His glory and my pleasure to be one and the same thing. In my heart of hearts, I thought others were meant for receiving temporal joys. But not me, that was not my calling.

I believed that I was destined to have lemons. I believed that lemons where what I needed, that they were the best tool for me to glorify God with. I believed I would never get anything but lemons and I was okay with it. I want to glorify God. I want to grow in sanctification. So I didn't refuse the lemons but, often, gladly accepted them and used them as I could.

But I put God in a box.

The Bible is very clear that God cannot be contained, not by physical restraints, such as time and space, nor by mental capacity, such as the limit to what I can imagine. He is powerful enough to do anything and everything that He pleases. And it pleases Him to give gifts to His children.

I'm not saying that it is God's plan for me to live the life I dreamed of as a child. I'm not saying He will make me rich, famous, and happy if I only have enough faith.

But I'm not saying He can't.

My husband and I have a dream of owning a large home someday and having many children and making our home and family a rest and haven for those who need a break from life. We want to have a guest room that is never empty and when our guests leave we want them to be better from having come.

We made plans and wrote out ideas. We looked at roofing and fixtures and layouts and paint samples. We wandered through a tile store and looked up building companies in our area. We imagined what it would be like to live there and how daily activities would progress... Mind you we don't have any money, but it was all in anticipation for someday.

For him.

I viewed dreams a little less realistically. I was using my imagination, not my heart.

He believed someday we would own a home and have lots of children, if that was God's will.

I was playing "house" just the same as I had when I was a child.

Because the god in my mind wasn't amazing enough to do anything beyond what I believed. The god in my mind planned for me a life of hardship so that I could glorify him through my contentment.

But that is not the God who created me, redeemed me, sustains me, sanctifies me, and blesses me!

How wonderful that I am not God!

I see now the gaping hole in the fabric of my faith. Though I knew the truth I had not applied it to my world.

I have not turned on a dime. I don't know how to do that. I'm still not sure how to practically look forward to the future with full faith and yet not knowing what it holds.

Perhaps it will be lemons.

But it could be a dream come true.

Either way, my God knows what I need.

And He also knows what I desire.

I pray that I desire it to please Him and not just myself.

-Samia